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Caledonian Deathwatch Network

Tales of The Singular Gamer part 8

A Day in the Life of a Singular Gamer Part 403

Hey there 40K fans long time no see…or read…or whatever the case may be. The reason for the slight absence has been down to the fact that, basically, I’m an analogue man stuck in a digital age. That’s right folks what you are actually seeing right now is not just brought to you be my own fair hands but many other fair hands as well, for you see my idea of a technological advancement is still pen to paper. I usually write down all my ramblings, that in turn gets passed to a boffin to type up, that then gets passed to the editor, which then gets passed back to me for yet more frenzied scribblings thus starting a circle of editing and childlike scribbles before it all gets sent to The Greatest Lover in the World Commander O’Shea who uploads it for the world to see…or four people in Rutland…or whoever reads this nonsense anyway.

So as you can see in this age of mobile smart phones and laptops that provide all your digital needs and requirements I am as out of place as Charlton Heston running about (with his rifle in his hand) in a planet full of apes or Charlton Heston running about (with his rifle in his hand) in a planet full of weird albino, pox ridden, vampire wannabes or Charlton Heston running about (with his rifle in his hand) in San Francisco with an earthquake following him about and trying to sneak up on him to pinch his wallet. Get your hands off me and my rifle you damn filthy digital age, ape, weird albino fuck and earthquake, we both say (except I don’t have a rifle and just make do with a broom handle and some bang bang noises.)

Now as I am sure you four in Rutland and whomever else has strayed accidently onto this are aware but Commander O’Shea has had a mini O’Shea come along and bring joy and wonderment to both his and Mrs Commander O’Shea’s lives which is awesome news indeed. It just means though that he doesn’t have the same amount of free time now to sort out my articles which has left me with the dilemma of trying to post my own articles or find another willing victim/volunteer to post them for me. I can already hear the famous Rutland four scream out “what’s wrong with posting the articles yourself you hapless berk!” (Which is actually some achievement as it breaks the boundaries of time, space and physics as it suggests that they have already read this even though I haven’t even finished typing the whole article yet, let alone figured out a way to get it posted online but this is what happens when you live your life fifth dimensionally.) The simple reason why I haven’t posted any myself yet is I haven’t figured out how to do it*, which might seem shocking to the people out there in cyberinternetland that can do things at the drop of a hat but you are dealing with a fud that lives his life in the Flintstones technical age rather than the Jetsons. When I write an email I verbally say it to a big prehistoric looking parrot who then flies off, terrifying the local populace and wildlife leaving giant dinosized bird shit everywhere as it goes, before dropping down to relay my message to the intended recipient…with a bit of luck, without deciding to eat the intended recipient as well, though that requires a bit more luck, before turning to an imaginary camera and saying something like “well at least in this job I get to travel.” Followed by copious amounts of canned laughter ha ha ha ha ha.

But I digress as I am sure that I shall have my articles up and running in no time by hook or by crook, by which time the rest of humanity will be getting their articles beamed directly into their eye socket thrill receptors for data upload just like big John Wick Reeves in that film about data uploads and phones and real life that was shitey and a digital life that was digitally and that elf dude being everywhere and bending cutlery cause it was checking out his birds arse, you know the one…Point Break….surfing those digital waves.

So this is just a general update to let you crazy bastards in Rutland know what I have been doing recently. Well the sad news is the Nid project has been shelved for a bit. The reason for which is that the colour scheme I was doing for them was actually just too much, too much work for the too little spare time I have to work on my hobby stuff and it was getting to the point where they weren’t fun to do on anymore and becoming a soul crushing slog to get through, much like when you have a right gummy shite and no matter how hard you wipe you ain’t getting clean anytime soon, like opening up a cheese toasty but the bread is your arse cheeks and the cheese is the…well you get the idea. So I have put them on the shelf for now so that I can try and brainstorm up some quicker colour schemes so that when I get back to them I can begin farting them out at record speeds, I am currently just about to start some test models to see what I can come up with that is way more manageable in terms of painting to time ratio as the way it was going a Nid army would have been completed in about the same time as the Lord Humongous goes looking for the Gusoline in the wastelands. I’d be all proud and excited that I had finally completed them only for some half naked, cross between WWF demolition and a Jason Voorhees porn star to appear looking for the precious tanks of gas, with me hoping that mental Mel Gibson will stop beating up the Jewish neighbours long enough to find a rig big enough to haul out the fuel and my newly finished Nid army. **

But, once again, I have went off track a bit.

So the Nids are on hold for the moment as I might try out some of the new contrast paints on them or do something mainly with washes as I think they would be perfect for a horde style army, only downside so far with this has been I need to spray paint them and for spray painting I need the weather to play ball and has the weather been playing ball? Has it arse!!! I get my models ready to spray paint, look out the window, everything seems fine but when I get out there, the rain starts hammering down. I think the weather is watching, waiting…it knows I want to spray paint and it wants to fuck with me. I can almost hear it sniggering as I get everything ready and prepared, knowing that it’s fucking with me. “Want tae dae a wee bit a spray paintin’, dae ye ya cunt, well huv sum a ma jobby rain.” But as soon as the ned weather buggers off we’ll be back in business, testing and refining them like a fine gribbly wine.

So what have I been doing with my hobby time, other than having ongoing running battles with the weather? Well I have been working on something else, it started as a test really as the Nids were taking so long to get done I decided to see how quickly I could paint something else…if the Nids weren’t going to be (at that time) my lesson in speed batch painting, what would/could be?

Step forward the bold Necron, I picked up a cheap box of Immortals, built them up then proceeded to see how quickly I could finish the unit off. How quick? How quick? Mega quick. All you basically do is drink a load of leadbelcher then positon the model under your quivering bum hole, as your guts reject the paint influx and low and behold you squirt out the paint scheme in no time at all. Now I would recommend that you follow German dungeon porn Herr Duncan Von Rhodes advice and go for two thin pebble dash coats instead of one thick splodge. But in all honesty the Immortals were fully finished in the space of a few evenings, an example of the difference between the Crons and the Nids is that the skin part of the Nids was taking six steps to finish but the Crons metallic skin only took three steps. So I want to get the Nids at that level where in a few evenings the unit is done and dusted.

But I didn’t stop there with the Crons I painted up some more and then some more on top of that more until I had 750 points worth that I could take to the local GW for their weekly Tuesday Noob Smash Throw Down. It was excellent fun, reminded me of old times playing at the shop when everybody would just turn up with whatever they had, just learning the rules just wanting to roll some dice. I played against an Ultramarine player who, very kindly, set up his whole army in a nice clump…they soon got devastated by unholy gauss fire power, in one round of shooting, his scouts had been vaporised, along with a unit of midget marines and all bar one from a unit of vanguard marines. The guy using them didn’t look too happy with how the game was going, he looked like he saved up all his money to take a trip over to Mexico to visit the Titty Twister only to find that his pussy coupon was out of date and Jose behind the bar wouldn’t let him in because he was neither a trucker or a biker, so I let him bring back some dead dudes, so I could get the sheer enjoyment of blasting them to atoms for a second time. In the end we ran out of time to declare the Crons the true victors they would surely have become but it was still good fun.

Now I am not walking into the world of the space killer robots blindfolded, I fully understand that against Nigel Noob, the Noobest of Noobs in all of Noobland, in the local GW is one thing with the Crons but going into a competitive tournament will be a whole other experience. They aren’t top tier or anywhere near it but then neither am I so I’m not fussed on that, I go to the tournaments to play some games, catch up with folk I haven’t seen for a while and have a few beers. I go to enjoy the hobby as a whole so I’m not exactly threatening the top tables as it is so if I ever bring the Crons its hardly going to change anything in that regard. So the plus point for the Crons are the speed of painting them up, pretty quick to build and with lashings of plastic glue doused on them pretty robust as well…downside is Necron warrior heads being attached to the sprue by their cheeks…THEIR CHEEKS!!!! It was a proper sadist that designed the sprue that day at GW HQ…Im thinking Herr Von Rhodes has been involved.

But smash painting my way through the Necrons has also made me reassess other projects and ideas I have had in my head, for example with the new marines codex that has just dropped I was thinking of doing an Ultramarine army but I have switched this to be Iron Hands as I think an Iron Hands paint scheme will be a lot quicker and more straightforward and after doing a test model of each it’s the Iron Hands that will prevail for any future Marine army…also I like that they are grumpy, hate filled arseholes, also I think it’s an unwritten rule at GW HQ that everybody has a go at, the very least, one space marine army because if ever there was an army guaranteed to get new models, new rules and not go the way of the Tomb Kings…its them.

The other ideas I have had to try out are Grey Knights because why have one fail silver army when you can have two or those golden boys, the custodies, because they are literally just gold, I can shit out gold paint from my bum hole with the best of them. Or I could try and make a traditionally very colourful and complicated paint scheme army like the Harlequins into something more monochromatic, I get the last laugh this time you pennywise inspired space elf clowns muhahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha…ahem.

The other amazing idea I have had and plan to put into test soon is for a Nurgle daemon army with loads of plague bearers. We all know that plague bearers are meant to be disgusting, gross creatures full of filth and disease. But every plague bearer I have seen is a variation on green or yellow or greeny yellowy. So I was thinking that I could make my plague bearers look like walking turds. All variations of browns with maybe a nice gloss on them to look like they have been freshly squeezed out of papa Nurgles back passage. I could even get some fart spray out of a joke shop to complete the effect. I walking line of jobby daemons looking like grand polished turds for papa Nurgle…i think he would be pleased.

Anyhow I think that’s enough ramblings for now until next time may all your 40K dreams come true but only if you roll a five plus first…

*but I have now…with the combined power of 121 gigawatts, crossing the streams without causing a total protonic reversal, a little energon with a lot of luck and a midi-chlorine steroid booster…apart from pictures I haven’t been able to figure out how to include pictures yet.

**unless you have watched Mad Max 2 then that part probably made no sense whatsoever…though even if you have watched it, it probably still made no sense whatsoever…like the rest of this gibberish.

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