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Caledonian Deathwatch Network

Tales of the Singular Gamer Part 7

The Dark Millennium Diet Plan*
-How to lose those unsightly miniatures and make your table top battlefield slim and toned, free of excess plastic that you don’t want nor need-
With your 40K health guru Gibson Rickenbacker**

That’s right 40k fans the Greatest Lover in the World Commander O’Shea’s Dark Millennium has swung by for another year of top quality gaming, some less than top quality gaming and some just awful…awful gaming…truly awful gaming, more awful than playing soggy biscuit to meta fit music.

To get ready for this grand occasion on the Scottish 40K calendar, I spent weeks perfecting my chaos soup list of fail so that it was crammed with as much thrill power goodness as possible, it was brimming with such rampant awesomeness that the power in the houses three streets away was starting to flicker with surging electric overload. Babies were being conceived in record numbers in a three mile radius. Crime rates fell for these weeks, chubbies grew extra inches, wide ons went wider, the effects of global warming started to reverse, animals on the verge of extinction started to get a boost in numbers and Jesus himself was seen to be walking into the local newsagents for his morning paper and pint of milk…though came out with a pint of bitter.

That was until Innes ‘Buzz Killington’ who likes to talk about bridges told me that his thrill receptors couldn’t handle my army list with its third world problem solving capabilities, being used to broker a peace deal in the middle east, but instead had to resubmit it just using the battle scribe format…battle scribe format??? Fucking battle scribe format!?!?!? My army list that was being adapted into a theatre production for the Royal Shakespeare Troupe, being made into a West End musical by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and was going to be the basis of the next Star Wars film starring Olivia Coleman. My army list that was getting more rampant seed spilt over it than the latest top shelf issue of Dugs Arses, my list that was being hailed as just as important to history and society as The Bible, The Ten Commandments, The Dictionary and the invention of the laminated scud mag. Reduced to battle scribe format…so crime shot back up, the wide ons clamped down on the chubbies which ended the baby boom for a few months till the bruising subsides and Jesus was heard to comment ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers, I don’t like bitter anyway’ before disappearing back into the warp…battle scribe format?…which was fair enough as I use battle scribe all the time, so no real hardship there.

So what was this list that was causing immaculate conception numbers to rise up to almost as high as the last time Neil Diamond did a concert tour? Well get your extra absorbent underpants on, let the neighbours know that that you are going to be having a religious experience in the scale of when the last walking Tyrannosaurus Rex found a Woolly Mammoth that was into interspecies shaggery and for God’s sake get any animals and children in the immediate vicinity to a relative’s house in the next county.

The list was: Mofo Brown Daemon Prince of Tzeentch, with exo-skeleton and unholy fortitude warlord trait, on the side he is also private detective that operates on both sides of the law in 60’s Harlem.

Two squads of suicide chaos cultists whose main roles were to try and live long enough to secure some sweet, sweet maelstrom points before ultimately being butchered to a man in some particularly gruesome and horrible way….or surviving the battle before being butchered to a man in some particularly gruesome and horrible way in the some bizarre blood crazed, diseased ridden, bird headed, nipples out chaos ritual to the Dark Gods.

Then there were two Renegade Armigers with their long range cannons of awesome deathness, as well as discussing their upcoming roles in their amateur dramatics production of Amy & Amiability & Armigers…specialist wigs are being flown in from Hungary, they are both very excited and tickets can be purchased at any hive city or planet that is currently in the throes of being sacked by Chaos.

Then there was Mr Dick Rambone the Renegade Knight Dominus, which is an even more amazing version of a loyal Knight Castellan because it full of Chaos goodness. Mr Dick Rambone International playboy porn star Renegade Knight Dominus to give his full title. With more Iron Woodie awards then any another fusion between daemon and infernal machine known in the galaxy. With starring roles in such hits as Dominus Plasma Dick Decimator V, Siege Back Door Breaker Cannon VIII and The Renegade Knight Plumber That Comes Round to Fix the Horny Cheerleaders Pipes Part 833 in 3D. Mr Dick Rambone was looking forward to combine his love for incinerating motherfuckers from afar and brutally arse fucking motherfuckers over the weekend.

Mr Tibbs was obviously in there being a Khorne Lord of Skulls, his obsession for collecting skulls meant that he wasn’t going to be missing out. In between collecting skulls he likes to skip and jump, press wild flowers and have buttered scones for tea because he is a Lord of Skulls and he is ok. Just don’t get him started on what he likes to wear when hanging around in bars or what type of stockings are his favourite or you’ll be there all day.

After that was the supporting case there was Will Smith the Warpsmith taking a hiatus from his film and music career to get back to his first true love of the dark mechanicus. Kevin Smith the Warpsmith, his other alter ego after Silent Bob. Their jobs were to try and keep Mr Tibbs on the move as much as possible for his Great Cleaver of Khorne cleaving ways.

Then there was Sabien De Ploosh the Hellwright and personal fluffer to Mr Dick Rambone, to make sure he stays in tip top fluff free condition for the battles and the 14 new movies he plans to also make over the course of the weekend.

So who would be first up against this titanic list? None other than the bearded wonder of the 40K world Duncan, last time I had played Duncan was many years ago at a Throne of Skulls tournament in Warhammer World so I knew I was in for a tough match up, but a fun one all the same.

Duncan Wonderbeard was using a knight list, horde mini Knights and some medium sized Knights with a smattering of guard for out of sight mortar shenanigans. The mini Knights all had their thermal spear load outs. Before the game started I was very curious about seeing this list in action as I had a similar idea for a Knights list myself, because when using House Fudge Imperial Knights of the Round Table I thought an army of mini Knights might not be too bad as they have a surprisingly high movement value which would be good for closing down the enemy at speed or bounding off somewhere to claim objectives.

However we both knew that whoever got the first turn would have a good advantage on how the rest of the game would go. If Duncan got it, it meant he could close in really fast and get into his thermal spear range but if I got the first turn then my heavy hitters could do some real damage hopefully crippling Duncan’s advance before it really got going.

So we rolled to see who would go first and…it wasn’t me, my dice roll was so bad that I ended up having to go third.
So as expected Duncan got busy charging everything towards my battle lines before systematically destroying my Armigers and cultist squad with a brutal display of firepower, he also managed to destroy Mr Tibbs first turn with a combination of shooting and a first turn charge that did just enough wounds to finish him off. Mr Tibbs then blew up causing maximum mortal wounds to the two Warpsmiths next to him resulting in them both being slain from the horrific explosion of Mr Tibbs’s insidey bits quickly becoming his outsidey bits.
It was a brutal first turn for Duncan which set up my down fall from the get go and he was trolling me hard with his damage rolls, seemed like every D6 damage result was a 6. The maelstrom cards quickly turned sour asking me to claim an objective that not only was at the other end of the table but the other end of a different table about four rows away. I did however manage to get a slight moral victory for myself, in that I managed to slay his warlord…but that was pretty much all the slaying I got to do as the game wore on and his mini Knights swarming all over my ass it was all doomed to end very quickly and very disappointingly, yet Duncan was a great opponent full of chat and tips even letting me go back and do spells and stuff when I forgot about them so I can’t begrudge him the glorious win he got. How can you begrudge a man anything with such a beard?

So first game and first crushing defeat off to a flyer as always, I hid my anguish from my fellow tournament goers with a quick cry in the toilet, but Duncan being the splendid chap he is gave me a hug and told me things would be ok, which was a bit unsettling at the time as I was in the cubicle with the turtles heid poking out. But no time for feeling sorry for myself I had another game coming so I asked him to pass the bog roll and after several arse hair wrenching wipes later I was ready for more dice rolling…and a doughnut cushion to sit on.

Next up was Dan who was using a mix of Guard with Space Wolves, his list had loads of Space Wolf characters like Wolfy McWolfface and Hairy Joe as well as a big fuck off squad of nasty Wulfen, with all the nasty war gear which makes them double nasty. On the guard side he had the dude that lets you always advance six inches, fuck knows his name so we shall call him Daly Thompson for now, the normal squads of mortars and a Baneblade variant known as the Shadowsword that comes with a Volcano Cannon, sounds sexy. Now I think Dan’s list was better than his placing would suggest but once again I felt that whoever got to go first would have an advantage, as if Dan went first his Love Cannon would do some serious damage to mention the nastiness his nasty Wulfen could get up to as well, though if I could go first then Mr Dick Rambone could one shot the Shadowsword off the table then concentrate on taking out the nasty Wulfen. So who got go to first? Who? Who? Me????????? Of course not, Dan got first turn, I was beginning to feel like a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.

So Dan’s first order of business was blowing up my Dominus, that Volcano Love Gun can sure do some damage I think in its first volley of fire it did more wounds to the Dominus than the combined total of my whole army….I wants three now for my next project. In my first turn I scored more points than I managed to get in the whole game against Duncan so I was already onto a moral victory if not an actual victory, but also in the first turn Mr Tibbs had his chance to shine against those nasty Wulfen, the dice went flying and it was a three…not good enough, it needed to be a seven or higher so I used a command point and went for the reroll of ultimate win and got a…six. Oh dear, oh dear oh dear oh dear. So needless to say the Wulfen charged Mr Tibbs in the subsequent turn and obliterated hisfailingtomakeacharge dumbass. From there it quickly became a game of me taking my models off the table due to my failure to make any invun saves. Dan however seeing that I was taking a hammering let me move stuff about and tweak certain things on the battlefield to enable me to score more points in the last few turns, not that it was going to change the outcome of the game but still a very sporting thing to do. So because of this I let him alter some of the rules so that he could run over my last dude with his Shadowsword, a hobby goal of his since he was a little boy.

The upside to this mauling meant that we had plenty of time to go to the pub so off I trotted with some fellow gamers to the local tavern to enjoy some ales and tales by the time we got back more than a generous amount of ales had been enjoyed and plenty tales of past gaming experiences and been spun, which was wonderful apart from the fact that it means my last game on the Saturday was a bit of a blur and my notes look like the scrawlings of a deranged lunatic.

So who was waiting for me as I made my back to the table at the jauntiest of angles? None other than Brianna who was using the combination of Admech and Knights. Now I have always maintained that I play better when I have been drinking, based on no real scientific evidence or any evidence at all really, but if there was ever a game to prove my theory correct this was it. I got the first turn and it all went uphill from there, Mr Tibbs sallied forth like some piratey daemon engine of vengeance swashbuckling his way through all that opposed him in his search for skull booty, destroying units of chicken walkers with wild abandon, drinking all their rum and making off with their chicken walker wenches as well. What a guy AAARRRRR. Captain Bloodbeard Tibbs was making such an unholy scene of devastation and destruction that Brianna was focusing all her efforts on him leaving Mr Dick Rambone to sauntering up and claim the middle of the battleground as his own unscathed. Even the shitty cultists had a successful game by simply doing nothing, camping on objectives scoring delicious maelstrom points of win. The dice were hot, the maelstrom cards were in my favour it was all going swimmingly for me but not swimmingly at all for Brianna, her dice had left her high and dry, lady luck was nowhere in sight so instead of grinding her down I helped her out where I could. I walked her through the best way to deal with Mr Tibbs, so effectively that she blow him up…he had his fun anyway by that point, and as part of a gentlemen’s agreement we called the game before there was a tabling so she could score some points.

It was a great victory to end the day on plus, I am pretty sure Brianna had a good game to, in-between all the insanity and endless drivel that was being drunkenly projected her way. She came back for the second day at least, so couldn’t have been all bad.

Sunday morning started with me moving up the tables finally, to meet my next opponent who was John, now I have played John at the last three DM’s in a row so I knew I was in for an excellent game, with good humour and sportsmanship abound. John was using a chaos list with loads of dreadnoughts, dark mechanicus walkers as far as the eye could see. Glorious. I got to go first again resulting in a good first turn of shooting with Johns Cultists being blown to squishy lumps of meat and destroying his Maulerfiend before it even had the chance to scratch the mechanical fleas of its hide. Mr Tibbs went charging off on a suicide run, he don’t sit still for no man…not even me. Mofo Brown then decided to copy Mr Tibbs going off on his own suicide charge but unlike Mr Tibbs he survived a lot longer than he should have…but still died like a fanny for charging off in the first place. As the turns ticked over it became a game of giant machines blowing giant holes out of each other from across the table, luckily for me though I had the giantiest machine of the lot with the Dominus who was in his element with the ranged fire fight just knocking wounds off Johns dreadnoughts. The Armigers were also helping out with this as well, as their guns have an even bigger range. But John wasn’t out the game yet his Warlord was sneaking round the flanks like a big sneaker looking for easy prey to dispatch, he found my Warpsmith lurking in some ruins holding onto an objective, so he charged in which resulted in the Warpsmith proving that you just don’t fuck with a guy who has a got a big servo-harness thingy on his back. Oh yes, he laid the smack down on that Warlords candy ass, if you smell what the Warpsmith is cooking. It was a very close game, by looking at the score sheet it seemed like I was just edging it on Maelstrom points as the cards had been kind to me again. At the bottom of the fifth turn Innes ‘Buzz Killington’ rolled the dice to see if it would continue, as he was describing his favourite lawn growing techniques, and it wouldn’t continue the game was finished. Which was a great result for me but a bad one for John as when the scores got tallied up I had edged the win. Two victories in a row, time to hit the casinos and whores, my luck was in. It was a very close game though if it had continued John could have easily pulled out a victory.

So having just had a thunderingly epic game the next one coming up would need to be something special, step up Graeme the sexy beast of 40k gaming. I have played Graeme the sexy beast of 40k gaming a few times before and knew instantly that this one would be another belter of a game. He was using a chaos list with a mix of Tzeentch and Nurgle, with all sorts of weird changing plague things that I can’t even remember. Mr Tibbs went off like a shot again butchering pox walkers, cultists, wee old ladies that were just trying to cross the street. Not to be outdone the Dominus went wild with his phallic volcano lance of hot spunky death but rolled a one for his shoots, limp…so I used a CP, said I would get a six then rolled said six, limp no more full on volcano lance rager back in action however the Burst Crawler he was trying blow his load all over was obviously wearing some sort of force field condom as Graeme made all his saves, so Mr Tibbs got up close and personal to layeth his great cleaver of Khorne down; to which Graeme made no saves at all…Mr Tibbs ripped his way through that boaby protector no problems. It was close going over the first two turns but turn three was a strong one for the sexy beast of 40k gaming putting him into a commanding position but the Dominus and Mr Tibbs were being a major issue for him. Meanwhile his Pox Walkers had lumbered up to my cultists, swiftly turning them into even more pox walkers, it was getting hairy towards the end for me as Mr Tibbs and the Dominus were getting smited to death but even after all the smiting was smote the Dominus remained on one wound, much to Graeme’s annoyance. So in charged a Burst Crawler, Pox Walkers, two Nurgle heralds, the Dominus survived the bulk of it till the Pox Walkers ate it to death turning it into a giant mechanical zombie Knight. The game went the full seven turns, with Graeme really stretching his lead in the last two. If it had ended in turn five it might have been a closer affair with maybe even a draw but alas it was not to be. Graeme the sexy beast of 40k was the clear winner but it was a really superb game.

Now usually I find that the first game on the second day of a two day tournament is the toughest one to get through but Dark Millennium is a six game tournament so it’s the sixth game at these events that I find a bit of a slog to get through. As long as I’m not bottom and I am never fighting for any of the top prizes, I’m also too much of a miserable bastard to play against to get anything like favourite opponent or most sporting as I am too busy making shit up as I go along…”If I roll a five plus this will happen.” Or “Of course my Khorne berserkers get Feel no Pain, can’t you see the one modelled to be the apothecary.” So it was in this frame of mind fartedness that my last opponent found me, as I was rocking back and forth, drooling slightly, muttering incoherent gibberish that perversely enough would eventually be written down as incoherent gibberish in this article.

And that poor soul of a last opponent was David, I had seen David in attendance at many other tournaments but this was the first time going against him, he was using an Ad Mech army that shone brightly under the lights. We rolled off to see who would go first, which he got. With all the firepower soon to be coming my way, I needed to seize so I could lay down my own devastating shooting first but alas the hoped for seizing did not come to pass. What did come to pass was a prime example of what can happen to your army when you can’t make any saves. David invoked his noble right to unleash a torrent of firepower and could I make any saves? Could I buggery. David was using handfuls of dice for shooting and getting some pretty hot rolls, I on the other hand was using handfuls of dice for saving throws and they were that cold my bollocks were starting to freeze up. The one saving grace was good old Mofo Brown, he was like a William Wallace sized troll in the middle of battlefield (everybody knows William Wallace was eight feet tall and could shoot fire out his arse right?) taking everyone on in combat for many many turns by my estimate it was eighteen turns but David claims it was only four. But then David showed his true colours of treachery by turning tail and gunning Mofo Brown in the shooting phase. What kind of gamer does that I ask you? The type that has no honour, the type that can’t handle being trolled, the type that would try and pump your missus on your wedding night…or maybe just the sensible type that’s actually playing the game to win and has proper tactics and stuff worked out in advance. The slow advance of the robot men continued and continued right up to a resounding victory for David. My lack of save making in the early turns was to be my downfall but can’t have any complaints as to the outcome.

Well that was it another Dark Millennium done and dusted till next time, my lift came before the award ceremony so I have no idea who won what but if you walked out of there with a trophy then massive congratulations. Also special mention to Mighty Marshall Metcalfe for making some truly outstanding podium trophies, in the shape of giant robot hands. Another mention must go to Steve and all the staff at Common Ground Games for doing a bang up job of looking after us over the weekend. Then another thank you must go to Commander O’Shea and Andrew for organising the event, looking after the scores and making sure that everything was ticking along smoothly. Last thanks go to the bar staff at the boozer that sits just up the road a bit who kept me happily topped up with pints of beer throughout.

Next time I shall be doing a hobby blog to let you all know what I have been up to when I should have been putting Nids.
Until them may your dice rolls be lucky and may your victories be glorious.

*This Diet plan might not be the best to follow if you wish to actually win the Dark Millennium tournament…or any tournament for that matter.
**Soon to be stalking you on Facebook

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